Public musings of a mamma

new address.

2006-02-05T11:15:00.000-05:00

Come visit my new site for now: http://deelovelee.typepad.com/mamamuses/ I have a 30 day trial and I think I like it better than blogger. Just click the link damn it!!! LOL

all better!

2006-02-02T18:13:00.000-05:00

My super warrior came out of the doctor's office shining. She did shed a few tears, but all was well. And yes, she's forgotten all about the big, bad shots. Well no, that would be lying. She knows she had one more round to go. This is all necessary to start kindergarten next year. We go next Wednesday to sign up. Joy!

scared.

2006-02-02T09:31:00.000-05:00

I think I made a really big mistake yesterday. I wanted to be honest with Angie because when I was a young child, I hated going to the doctor. My mom would take me without telling me what was going on, so I had no idea if I was getting shots or not. That was one of the biggest fears I had as a kid. So, to make things easier on Angie, I decided to tell her she would be getting two shots today at the doctor. I told her yesterday. She still hasn't stopped crying.

She's so scared and I've done everything I can think of to calm her fears. Heck, we're even going for ice cream after the visit and it'll be well before lunchtime. I feel like I should have waited until this morning to tell her so she didn't have to worry and be scared overnight. But then again, she would have had double the anxiety knowing we were leaving in an hour for shots, right?

I feel so guilty. (I know, I know).

SPT

2006-02-01T10:15:00.000-05:00

DSC01595,
originally uploaded by cirovicbella.

We used to be so close.
I want to be close again.
Mistakes from the past
prevent us from being
what we once were.
Learn. Don't repeat.

don't hassle the Hoff.

2006-01-31T16:26:00.000-05:00

This is too funny! Seriously, watch the video.

heart healthy

2006-01-30T17:08:00.000-05:00

In additon to working with Weight Watchers online, I found a free program here that educates and encourages you in the area of activity and excercise. It's also a great source for healthy living and eating tips.
It also helps when you have a best friend in your life that is willing to go to the gym with you. Thanks D.

sunday musing

2006-01-29T14:41:00.000-05:00

Ever take a vitamin on an empty stomach? Don't try it unless you're up for feeling nauseated.

Today is one of those perfect days, when you feel like cleaning your house! Angie occupied herself for a bit while I dusted, rearranged (yes!), and washed curtains. I also blasted through my kitchen cabinets, getting rid of old cans of soup and spices.
There's a sense of accomplishment that comes with cleaning... a weight lifted off of me, a feeling of decluttering in my life. It's amazing when you see just how much your house reflects what is inside of you: clean lines or bumpy, dusty clouds. Color or light. Open spaces or stuffiness.
I feel a great cleansing inside. I feel new.

lies

2006-01-27T14:10:00.000-05:00

after watching James Frey on Oprah last night, i have to say that i feel really, really betrayed as a reader. why couldn't he sell his book as fiction? i believed everything i read. i let him into my heart because i felt his pain. that was real. i was lead to believe his story was real. i was really shocked at his admissions.
on the flip side, i think about how hard it must have been for him to come clean on t.v. in front of millions of people. i'm sure he's not having a great day today. i feel sorry for him.

day out

2006-01-27T11:50:00.000-05:00

We drove into the city yesterday to take Angie to the Museum of Natural History. She was so happy! She has this dream of meeting Brittany Spears in NYC and was super excited to go.
We get there, get our map, and go on the hunt for the dinosaurs. We walked through the north American mammals, African mammals, Asian mammals... I almost lost it with the mammals - and the extreme heat of that place - do they check their thermostat?? Finally, we make it to the third floor... birds. Angie goes "mom, can we go home now?".... Shit. The dinosaurs. "Wait, honey, let's just run up to the 4th floor to see the dinosaurs." Ok, ok, ok???? By this time, she's dragging her feet, acting rather over dramatic, and sighing every chance she gets. Meanwhile, my feet are killing me because I wore the boots that are a half size too small. Z's clutching his lower back, he can't walk for more than an hour.

The trip didn't feel as crazy as I made it sound, in fact, I had a great day. We had lunch at the museum (never again) and *claps hands* we didn't hit traffic going in or coming home @ 5 p.m. A smooth 20 minutes to get there, 20 minutes to get home! More importantly, it was a great family day out.

SPT

2006-01-24T23:55:00.000-05:00

Spending
Summer
with my girl
by the sea.

secret question

2006-01-24T12:31:00.000-05:00

This post was truly an inspiration to me. Hope you enjoy it too. Thanks Michelle!

monday musing.

2006-01-23T11:03:00.000-05:00

OK, well I don't feel as sick as I expected, which is a good thing! I'm the most miserable person when I'm sick. I feel the need to remind everyone around me how awful I feel and I hate having to breathe in the same room as Angie, so I kind of avoid her.

Our weekend was good. We went to our friend's house for his Saint's day on Saturday. Angie was so happy to finally have some friends to play with. Their daughter is a few months older than her and they really love each other. It's nice to see them together when they play. Z and her father have been friends for almost 16 years. I always had fun hanging out with them because this guy is the biggest joker I know. He's always fun to be with. Now, seeing our daughters play, it's just amazing.

Sunday, I went to another food tasting party, with my man. That was lovely. Z walked in, saw that the women outnumbered the men by like, eight, and was like "I'll pick you up at 4?" Yeah, nice afternoon for us to bond. @@$%^*)^#.

I don't have anything new to report. No movies. No dinner date. No, no - romance has left the building. We've been, excuse me, he's been busy. Work, work, and more work -then he's tired. He actually told me to remind him about going out. Well, that's what I did, fucker, and you left me hanging at a party without you. God, he makes me mad!

OK, (clears head), I needed and Om moment. Guess I'll just go on with my day. I had a good mail day on Saturday, got a new book in the mail!

sniff, sniff

2006-01-22T18:25:00.000-05:00

It was during a calm and deep sleep that I started sneezing uncontrollably.
Today, I'm blowing my nose every 5 minutes. Bring on the sick season.

Hey man - free samples!!

2006-01-19T00:53:00.000-05:00

Loved this:
http://slanteyedbargainhunter.blogspot.com/

spt - personal history - late!

2006-01-17T23:07:00.000-05:00

Every night, since Angie was a wee babe,

she has fallen asleep rubbing one of our eyebrows.

Z pulled the lucky number tonight.

The funniest thing is that when we tell her a story,

you can tell how excited or disappointed she is by the

intensity and quickness with which she rubs.

When the story gets scary, she rubs fast.

When the story winds down or gets boring,

she goes at a slower pace.

If we're lucky, she turns facing me or him and rubs both of

the eyebrows at the same time.

This is something we love-

and something we'll miss once she outgrows it.

We'll enjoy every second while we can.

sunday musing

2006-01-15T20:27:00.000-05:00

Today I went to a food tasting party with my friend Kim. Oooh, it was so good. I didn't know what to order because I wanted everything!!! Two of the items I ordered, graham cookie pretzels and caramel dipping sauce, are sincerely to die for. I'm saving those a romantic night with Z ... because, you know, we're all about romance. *Ahem* When were we supposed to go to the movies?
Oh, and another little tid-bit I heard recently. Isn't it funny when you hear gossip about yourself? I had a good laugh when I heard my husband doesn't really love me, he just settled because he had to, and had to get used to me over the years ??????
Don't you all know our love story?? Don't you all know how we put movies to shame with our smooshiness ??? Don't you all know how he pursued me years ago???
Well, at least I had a good laugh.

no, no, no

2006-01-14T10:39:00.000-05:00

No I say... People, listen to me: Never, never, never think you can lighten your hair with box color, unless you're using the lightest of blonde available on shelves!
No, you can't put a box of light golden brown on dark brown hair and expect to be a golden goddess in 20 minutes. That's not happening.
You will have muddy looking reddish/brown hair. So the $9 you just blew on a box of color from the drugstore could have been a tip at the salon for the professional that would have gotten it right.

kiss:: mwah:: smok::

2006-01-12T23:14:00.000-05:00

You're a Romantic Kisser.

For you, kissing is all about feeling the romance. You love to kiss under the stars or by the seaThe perfect kiss involves the perfect mood. It's pretty common for kisses to sweep you off your feet.

What kind of kisser are you?

and, p.s. -

2006-01-12T10:23:00.000-05:00

I am not at all happy over the Brangelina thing. Yuck. I always held on to the possibility that Brad & Jen would reconcile. Hmph!

Oh, James!

2006-01-12T09:59:00.000-05:00

I love when it rains all night long and the next day the skies are clear and it's nice and windy out. That's what it's like out today.
I've been super busy getting things together for Angie's school fundraisers for the upcoming months. Spring is approaching and we've got Easter, Mother's Day, Father's Day, etc. All the planning has to be done in advance.. blah, blah, blah.
Well, I did watch James Frey last night on Larry King, and I have to say, he did a so/so job defending his book, A Million Little Pieces. What a certain website is focusing on is a portion of his life that he hardly writes about in the book, his jail time (which does not take place in this book, it takes place in his sequel). In this first book, James Frey documents his time spent in a rehab facility, his progress in getting better after a long bout with addiction to alcohol and crack, his friendhips he makes with people in the facility, and repairing his relationship with his parents. In no way, shape, or form does he serve jail time in this memoir. He talks about being wanted in three states, and has a lawyer work on his case to reduce his jail time.
How long he spent in jail is in question.
But, does it really matter? Doesn't the theme of the book, the struggles this man endured, the pain the went through, the light he found... doesn't that matter more?
If I know anything, I know that this book inspired me a thousand times over the course of reading it. I know that anyone that has faced any type of personal struggle can relate to this book and take away from it one thing - and that is hope.

I'm so looking forward to the movie version!! James is a good looking guy (without that damn beard!), so finding his leading man should be interesting. Eww, the only thing I don't like is his voice, ugh.. it sounds so feminine.

2006-01-11T11:16:00.000-05:00

I am so ready to let you in. I feel myself, I feel the walls I've put up, I feel and know where I put the locks on the door. I don't want numbness and desperation to take the place of you. I don't want to feel negative. I need light, I need cheer, I need to feel fulfilled. I need to backtrack to that fork in the road and turn the other way.

*I'd love to hear any suggestions for good, rock my world music in the comment section.

sunny sunday

2006-01-08T13:30:00.000-05:00

i've neglected all that is good - all that is me - all of my routine - and have sunken into the world of James Frey. i picked this book up, not knowing what it was about, not even reading the back cover, because i trusted Oprah. i heart Oprah, and while not all of her book club features have been favorites of mine, this one, for some reason spoke to me. maybe it was the way she described the book without giving away a word of what it was about. maybe.
or, maybe it's because i have watched someone i love go through what the young James Frey went through, and i need this book, his words, to heal some part of me that deep down has been neglected and left unmourned, broken and forgotten.

A Million Little Pieces.. pick it up. It's a great book.

*Don't believe the hype of today's news.. let this author defend himself.

self portrait tuesday - personal history

2006-01-04T01:46:00.000-05:00

His daughter.

My daugher.

My Father.

love you Ralph.

your it.

2006-01-03T13:42:00.000-05:00

I'm up for the challenge via Michelle to let you in on 5 weird things about moi :

1. I'm not used to change when it comes to cleaning and keeping house. Therefore, I don't move things around very often, and when I clean, I put things back the way they were before. This, I have passed onto my daughter, who simply will not be happy with me getting a new car. Familiarity is good.

2. I must call you by the weird nick name I have given you. It's very rare that I call someone on the phone and address them by their real name. That just wouldn't be fun.

3. I order the same meal in different resturaunts all the time.

4. I must, must, must pour my coffee into my mug (the rainbow one) before the coffee is done brewing. And I must light a smoke after I take 2 sips.

5. I cannot let anyone load my dishwasher. If the person insists, I will wait until they leave the room to open the dishwasher and rearrange all the dishes to my liking.

LOL. Those are new ones. So people, feel free to play along. Tell me 5 weird things about yourself.

welcome 2006.

2006-01-01T15:40:00.000-05:00

A blanket of fresh snow covered us in the hours before 2005 came to an end. Our house looked beautiful from the outside - like a picture - with our glowing lights shining beneath the new glistening snow.
And so began our night of festivities. Angie is so overwhelmed with all the partying we've been doing! We had coconut shrimp with mango sauce, mexican poppers, cheese, pepperoni & crackers, along with some chocolate dipped strawberries and a walnut/chocolate torte my mother in law made. It was a nice spread that we washed down with a new bottle of Chardonnay.
I had a talk recently with a friend about going out versus staying home on New Year's eve. In the past, pre-baby past, Z and I would go out with friends for a night of dinner and dancing. One year, our bill came to $1,000 for eight of us. It was money well spent for a night of Greek food and Greek music... a night I will never forget! More sadly because one of my best friends who I spent that night with, is now an angel in heaven.
I don't think it really matters if you stay in or not, but who you spend your night with. Celebration of any kind, to me, is an intimate thing. But, if your with the people you love on that special night, then what does it matter if you're in room full of 500 people or spending it at home with 4?
You celebrate inside of you. You share your feelings of enthusiasm, anticipation and hope with the ones you love no matter where you are. You look forward to new moments, new pockets in time to reflect on.
Nothing else in the world matters when you're surrounded with love and content on the inside.

Happy New Year to you all. May 2006 bring you lot's of love and happiness.

new thoughts.

2005-12-30T10:52:00.000-05:00

I'm sitting in my kitchen today instead of my room. I forgot this laptop is wireless.
It's so sunny out today - the sun is just blasting itself right on in here, and I like it.
I usually sit in my bed and type away, but, that's becoming too much off a habit.
I'm trying to get into new patterns, new habits, so part of that ritual is getting out of
my room. That room is like a magnet for me. I plop my behind down on the comfy bed,
pop up the screen, flip on the t.v., and go on about my business. It's so cozy in there I don't
want to come out.
But I've turned a new leaf, yes I have. I am all about change today. I've been reading a lot about how to change habits, and of course, as everyone knows, the answer is to form new ones. Hopefully, better ones.
So, with the coming new year, and this bright sunshine as inspiration, I'm about to unload a few thoughts out here in the open... Things I want to change for myself in the coming days.... Not because it's almost a new year, but, because each day is a new day... and I sometimes forget that.
I don't want to be stuck in my bedroom anymore.
I want to go to bed earlier, and wake up earlier. That would mean a cut off time on my coffee.
:)
I want to see if the theory is true, can 8 glasses of water per day flush the body of fat and make my skin glow? That's a new experiment I'm trying. With pictures. Updates to follow.
I need to be more accepting of my mother and maybe call her more often.
I need to be more accepting of me, and love me a little bit more.

Just a few things that come to mind right now. I've always been a work in progress and today is no different.

thump, bump, bruise & tears.

2005-12-28T11:01:00.000-05:00

Taking care of a sick baby is never easy, but when your baby is almost 5 and a little drama queen, it's nowhere close to easy.

Angie in a nutshell: A very good girl, very polite girl, only child, up for any kind of play, likes to dress herself, groom herself, and steal my perfumes - wearing a new one each day. She likes jewelry, and has a few boxes of the fake - but good - stuff. She likes carrying a purse, and has a bin full of purses that are all filled with stuff. Stuff she feels is important. A body spray, a crayon, a piece of paper, etc.
She eats good, sleeps good, and is quiet when I ask her to be.
Never, ever steps way out of line the way some kids can.. and when she teeters past the boundary of good, I have to pull her to the couch, sit and talk about it, and she's back to normal.

A good girl. A sweet girl. A giving girl. Full of life and love.

BUT.

When the two Faerie cousins come over for a playdate or sleepover, she turns into them. Them meaning acting like she's 10 years old, calling me Bella instead of mom, never coming out of her room for a second -no, that would mean losing play time with the faeries, I have to force her to pee when they're over - she likes to act just like them.
I have to admit, it's cute, but, it went way too far last night - and I have a blasting headache this morning to prove it.

So, like I said, she's sick with mostly just a cough right now. She went full force yesterday, non-stop play action from the moment she woke up until her bedtime last night.
I noticed the younger faerie coughing a lot when she was here by me, so I gave them each a dose of cough suppressant, and off to bed. a little late-ish... 11:30. Well, it was a sleepover!!!

We wake up, have breakfast, the kids play, I clean. We leave the house at 3 to take the faeries home and stay there until 8. I don't know what happened, but my sister heard the faerie hacking her lungs out, and freaked out because she feared the newborn would get sick. She starts making tea, measuring medicine doses, pulling out vitamins, etc., all the while, making us all feel like we did something wrong.

So I get ready to leave, Angie starts bawling - like when you lose a pet - bawling. She cries the whole trip home. She cries when we get inside the house.

Dora Uno holds her off for a half hour.. until her real bed time .. and she starts again.
I send her off to brush her teeth, while I lay down on my bed and check my email.

What happens next is a blur.

She grabs from under my bed a rubber exercise resistance thing.. I don't know what they're called, but they're like elastic. She ties one end to her door knob and walks down the hallway, stretching the thing.. but it comes loose and whips her straight up in the middle of the forehead.
Big bump. Big bruise. Endless tears.
I get angry.. because she's done this before. I'm yelling, above indoor voice level yelling :)
She goes to bed. With a bump.

She wakes up around 2, comes into my bead, coughing, coughing, coughing - all night. Into the bathroom she goes to spit out her (gross, sorry) phlegm. At least she gets some of it out.

I had a bad night, she had a bad night.

But there's nothing like the smile on her face when she wakes next to me, opens her eyes, stretches her little arms and legs, and say "good morning, mom".

The joys of parenthood.

self portrait tuesday

2005-12-28T00:49:00.000-05:00

Vanity.

monday musing.

2005-12-26T11:41:00.000-05:00

Angie is sick. Runny nose, coughing, sneezing, stuffy.. just plain ole sick. She doesn't seem bothered, but, it bothers me seeing my baby hacking her lungs out and trying to breathe through her nose. No amount of medication works. Yuck. Being sick on Christmas sucks.

I had my little get-together last night. We had family, friends, food and good drinks. Then, to cap the night off, Z and I had a fight before bed. I can't stand him right now. Right now it's morning, so we (or I) went to bed angry, something they say not to do, but it's hard not to. He's such a butt hole sometimes, I have to go to bed angry.

Um, so, I really don't have much to report today.. Christmas really was great - very cozy and traditional. I'm grateful for that. I'm grateful that we're all healthy, living cozily in our little home despite the fighting with Z, I heart him very much.

Say a prayer and remember them. Don't forget.

*UPDATE* We kissed and made up after I told him to wisk me away on vacation to the Dominican Republic where we would end it with a quick -n- cheap divorce. We'll now have our champagne on New Years!!

christmas eve, eve

2005-12-24T00:21:00.000-05:00

Getting ready.

A wrapping frenzy.

Food to be prepared.

House to be cleaned.

Yes, it's Christmas!

Wishing you all a very Happy Holiday.

i remember

2005-12-22T10:09:00.000-05:00

i've been tagged by my angel to make a list of memories from my childhood. Let's see if all that diazepam has clouded my brain or if I can really remember?

First vivid memories:

As a child, I remember standing in our dining room, listening to records, on a huge record player that opened like a hutch and looked like a big piece of furniture.

I remember my dad teaching me to speak in Serbian and listening to Serbian songs.

I remember some Aunt from the old country (who's still alive and kickin') coming over to America, to watch my sister and I while the parents worked. I also remember said Aunt forcing me to drink warm milk every morning, hence my distaste for milk.. except for in my coffee and my oatmeal.

I remember my first day of pre-school, sitting off in the corner, sobbing my heart out for my mommy.

I remember when my brother was born, how much I loved him. My mom would let me walk him around the block in his stroller alone (unheard of today) and I loved every second of it.

I remember the first day of grade school. I wore a purple dress with a white turtle neck underneath, white pull up socks to my knees and white sandals. Early eighties. Madonna wasn't even on the scene yet.

I have so many memories from grade school. Too many. It was a time when I thought everything mattered, everything meant something.. Now I can look back and say "duh you asshole, what was the big fucking deal?" I still have dreams about the kids I went to school with.

High school.. more memories
I remember my first boyfriend.
My second (ewwww)
My third - currently my husband.

I remember being a folklore dancer.. umm.. and traveling all over the US, performing in churches. Canada, Chicago, Wisconsin, Washington DC, California, Pennsylvania.. and many times in NJ & NYC. Oh gosh - I don't remember many of these trips.. we packed our bags with so much liquor and stayed in nice hotels. We danced at Lincoln Center. My favorite place we visited was in a very rural area of Massachusetts, staying in someone's guest house. The girls stayed up all night, smoking cigarettes and bullshitting. It was really a great time for me.

I remember the night I met Z. I went out with friends one night and I was really trying to get back with boyfriend #1 - he and I were going out with my friend Lepa who was in love, love, love with this guy playing with the band. We get to our destination all in for the sake of love, and then I saw him... I left boyfriend # 1, walked over to Z and never looked back. The car ride home was not very pretty.

I have lots of memories of trying to sneak my way out with Z, or trying to get my parents out of the house so he would come over and we could be alone.

I remember driving my car for a year before I had my driver's license, with my parent's approval.

I remember my prom, the weekend at the shore, and me being the most popular girl there because my boyfriend was old enough to buy all the alcohol.

I remember my sister, falling in love. She would drive past his house to breathe the same air he breathed. Now, because of him, the two faeries are in my world, and for that I must always respect him.

I remember traveling with Z. Getting up and going. We were together for 10 years before Angie came along, so we took advantage. I'll only be sad that we never went to France.

I remember the night Angie was conceived. June 23, 2000. I prayed she would be healthy and not an Aries. My prayers were answered when she was born healthy on March 16th 2001, my Pisces queen. A Scorpio's perfect compliment.

Before that night, between the age of 18 and 25, there was a mix of parties, co-habitating with Z, faeries being born, families being broken, me going to therapy.

I remember rushing to the hospital and watching my Z man being wheeled into a room, where they would place a stent into his loving heart - so he wouldn't have a heart attack in the future and croak on me. I never cried so much in my life.

It's hard to look back at life before you had a kid, it all seems like a blur. Sometimes I'll pick up a book, read halfway through, then realize I've read this already. Or, I'll meet people I know, but can't remember how we met, or even their names.

I have dark memories too. Many bad things happened to my family in the early '90's. Things I wouldn't wish upon anyone. There are many a Scarlet letter wearing people in my family, not to mention alcoholics & addicts. Times were hard, but I stayed adrift in the waves life gave me to ride. I'm loving life right now. My house. My girl. My Z. We've carved our little love nook away from all the drama that once was - and I think we're truly living happily ever after beautiful Wayne, NJ.

Now if only I could buy some of Blue Poppy's land. (sigh).

miss u

2005-12-20T22:25:00.000-05:00

i left my heart there.

self portrait tuesday

2005-12-19T22:43:00.000-05:00

The day is over.

The battle before bedtime begins.

morning musing.

2005-12-19T11:19:00.000-05:00

woo hoo... i went out last night. yep, i did.
i went to a movie and then had a seasonal short Sam Adam's lager.. oh so good.
steve, my musician brother, picked me up at 7 sharp. he looked dashing. he's wooing a beautiful, talented, dark haired beauty who plays piano and sings. she's got a set of lungs on her this beauty. i listened to her demo cd.. wow.. she's got 4 original songs and then sings 'at last' by etta james, a cappella... he better get this girl. let's all cross our fingers, say a prayer, and wish him luck.. he's going to her show tonight and asking her out to coffee. woo hoo.

according to tina, i'm not sounding right - or like my old self. she's right. it's because my nail polish is chipped, my hair is needing a stylin', i need a facial. today, i'm going for a fake bake, mani-pedi, and off to see my sister and her brood of girls. mondays can be good. repeat 10 x's. yes, they can.

perfect Sunday afternoon.

2005-12-18T16:01:00.000-05:00

Christmas tree is up, decorated, done.
House is decorated, festive looking, done.
Z's mama cooking dinner, almost done.
Me, still in p.j.'s, working with blogger - on-going.
The house smells so good. The food. The incense burning. Angie's cartoons blasting.
I have a date tonight with my brother. He's treating me to a movie and a drink. Steve. Love.
We're seeing - Walk the Line - Finally.
It's a good Sunday afternoon.
Angie says "hi" to you readers.

beginning.

2005-12-17T10:38:00.000-05:00

funk. i hate that word, but i use it a lot to explain this feeling that i'm feeling right now. kind of lost. kind of spacey. no energy.
i know why i feel like this. i weighed myself last night. oh goodness, you don't even want to know. it was scary.
so, i've decided. i really, really, really need to quit paying the gym $50 bucks a month without going - and finally get off my fat ass and GO.
my body has been quietly telling me to get up and move - aches, pains, etc.
i'm only 31. my mother in law and i were talking last night about this very subject - and i said to her - i don't want to look back 10 years from now, remember this conversation, and have a would, shoulda moment.
i want to live my life to the fullest, and i want it to be a very long and healthy life.
excercise does a body good. i need to do my body good.
for me. for my health. for my baby. to get out of this fuck - i mean funk. :)

oh, worldly me !

2005-12-15T16:24:00.000-05:00

White Chocolate Mocha Latte

If there is a heaven, the angels are swimming in it.

Borrowed from Kassi

The city I belong in:

You Belong in London

A little old fashioned, and a little modern. A little traditional, and a little bit punk rock.A unique woman like you needs a city that offers everything.No wonder you and London will get along so well.

off my radar

2005-12-13T23:25:00.000-05:00

i'm definitely starting to feel cramped.
2 women, 1 kitchen. doesn't make for a happy scenario.

for the past two days, i've been feeling like crap.
my house doesn't reflect the positivity it once did.

a while ago, we were happy. we still are. very grateful.
along with happiness, comes sacrifice. giving in sometimes
keeps the peace.

what annoys me the most, is when i go visiting for a while at
a time, i adapt, reorganize and meld myself to fit into the
place i'm staying.

my house guests are not doing that.

they are who they are. good people at heart, but not very open to change.
i know i have the power to break them in, soften them up, loosen the knots -
but right now, i'm powerless.
i'm in such a state where i don't see any goals in my near future.

is this visit affecting my spirit?

right now, i just want to scoop up angie and run away. and that's what i'm doing. i'll be gone for a few days, with the family of course.. i'm not going psycho here.. a beach, a casino and a bay breeze with my name on it.. all waiting for me (with the bonus of a free hotel room!)

january brings a trip to Charlotte to visit my very pregnant friend (twins, boy-girl), and april holds a trip to disney with tina and the kids! no goals, just lot's of travel plans. oops, we forgot March! Z's turning 40.. need to start planning.

see you thursday.

Self Portrait Tuesday

2005-12-13T10:15:00.000-05:00

she was super happy this day.

so was i

bella c. is in the spot tonight, gonna make u feel alright.

2005-12-13T00:24:00.000-05:00

dazed & confused.. it's on right now. how could i have lived and survived Gen X and not have watched this movie? it's too late to start right smack in the middle of it, but, i will see this movie, along with napolean dynamite... very soon. (only saw half)

in other cinema news.. i still haven't seen - or haven't been asked to see - Walk the Line. Damn you husband of mine.

i must blame my bad mood on Miss A.F. she paid me a visit with a vengence, and has yet to leave, damn her too! flipped the channel, Friday after Next is on.. i love the Friday series of movies and hold a soft spot for Ice Cube in my heart. (as an actor).

note to the moms out there: pick up My First Uno - the Dora version. angie and i played at least 20 times - today. she's enthralled by this game. whoops, there goes Ms. Mary J. Blige.. whom i also love. it's a shame Chris Tucker opted out of this movie. let's damn him too while we're in a damning mood.

keeping up with the SPT... i have a photo to share. i tried my hardest to take a photo without cringing before deleting at least a zillion times. so, here goes an old one. enjoy. damn it all to hell, blogger photo uploading is not working for me tonight.

maybe it's for the better, i might get a better shot of my un fabulous self between tonight and tomorrow a.m.

night.

2005-12-10T13:30:00.000-05:00

i have a million things to do with zero energy to complete my tasks.
have ya heard that one before?

so, like a good mom, i went to the mother's Christmas party for angie's school.
what a bunch of gossipy women i met. i swear, if elementary school is anything like
Pre-K, i'm not going to be making many friends.

what are the odds? my grab bag gift was a package of Avon lip glosses and a little Santa
night light. cute? yes, well - the woman who chose my gift -

MAKES AVON LIP GLOSSES FOR A LIVING!!!

whatever. i did the best i could.

now, back to my laundry....

feeling.bleh

2005-12-09T00:39:00.000-05:00

waiting for the snow.
hoping it doesn't fall.
Angie must go to school.
i must get me some manicure time.

i fell asleep in her bed.
now i'm tired - but awake
blogging.
with you dear readers in mind.
sick of my top 10 list.

i miss tina.
i miss holiday's passed.
i miss the way things used to be.

saying "hi" to new traditions.
::waving:: bye to old ones.

please, don't snow.
i want new nails.

i'm being attacked by a virus.

2005-12-05T18:06:00.000-05:00

Hello readers, say thanks to Ali because you're about to learn 10 new things about me.
I, in turn, must infect 10 other people (if I can find that many) to do the same thing.

Here goes:
~My sister will vouch for the fact that I don't like closet doors or cabinets left open
~I've had 3 real boyfriends in my life - the last one, I married
~I, unlike Ali, like feet, and I like getting pedicures and walking barefoot - and I like looking at other girls' feet to compare how pretty mine are to theirs
~I secretly dislike 2 of the moms on the board at Angie's school. They're the kind of moms that love being the center of attention at meetings. Miss Know it All's. YUCK.
~I read some really outrageous blogs that I wouldn't ever dare link to my page
~I make lot's of lists - for everything - and can never stay on top of my shit
~I play a lot of online poker
~4 years ago, I won $12,000 at a casino
~I just complained about Angie's bedwetting - but I myself had the same problem for years
~I want another kid, but I want to go on vacation first

There you go.
So, here is my list of people who I would like to infect:
Kassi
Momster
Ms. Ali D.
Dusanka - via comments
Tina - via comments
the drowsy fabulist Blue Poppy
Haggard Mom
Alyssa's mom - who I haven't asked permission to link!
Amanda, the Island muser
Bella, belly who needs to come out of hiding!!!

Umm, mom?

2005-12-05T09:16:00.000-05:00

I'm about to lose a nerve.

OK, I have never, ever had a problem with co-sleeping. In fact, when Angie turned 18 months old, each time I went to place her in her crib, she jolted awake and started screaming. That was the end of the crib and the beginning of our co-sleeping relationship.

At first, we would sleep in the same bed all night. She slept, I slept, we were happy people. Then, I would lay with her until she fell asleep, sneak off into my own bed, and we were still happy people.

Then Miss Happy Pants gets all smart on me. She wakes up and comes into my bed around 3 in the a.m. Still, no problem, I can deal because she sleeps, I sleep.

Fast forward to last night, the kind of nights I dread. Little Miss comes waltzing into my room, squishes up to me, rubs my eyebrow and falls asleep. In the back of my mind, I'm saying to myself "wake her up, tell her she's got to pee". But I'm tired, drowzy, in a coma like state, not to mention in the middle of a weird but good dream.

Somewhere along the way, I wake up to use to bathroom and say "hey, do you need to go?"

"No Mommy."

Then why, tell me, at 7:30, do you flip over me and sleep in a small corner of the bed next to my nightstand? I need to move over, it's getting cramped in my double pillowed king sized bed.

"Umm, Mom - don't move to far over".

Then I feel it. It's cold and wet and it's smack in the middle of my bed. at 7:30 A.M. I've still got at least an hour - hour and a half of sleep time left in me. Why, why, why????

My comfy coziness levels dropped to zero as I tried to turn my twisted back around to look at her.

::Running through my head ::"This is not your fault, you're only 4 - but damn it, you know you need to pee during the night, so use the fucking bathroom"::

She smiles. I smile. I make her milk, strip my bead while the coffee brews, and come on over to complain to you girls who can feel my pain.

My mattress is so thick, I don't think it reached the bottom - but still, I have to air the thing out.. flip it over later on, wash my sheets & blankets, etc....

I'm re-thinking the co-sleeping thing right now. As much as we love it, she's going to be 5 soon, and that was my cut off for many of the things I still let her do, things that she should have stopped at age 3. My baby. Born a beautiful little squishy worm, now a big 4 year old. Where did all that time go?

"Is it Christmas today Mommy?"

2005-12-04T13:32:00.000-05:00

scammers

2005-12-02T11:12:00.000-05:00

too much time on their hands? Read.

and baby makes 3

2005-12-02T09:50:00.000-05:00

celebrity couple that makes me happy! sorry bluebird.

insert title here

2005-12-02T09:41:00.000-05:00

i woke up all groggy. she was shaking me, pulling my ears. "i want my milk now mom!"
get the coffee going, get the milk warm, run back to bed.
i fell asleep with my laptop on my stomach last night. i was deep into pages of conspiracy theories while my eyes closed ever so slightly. i jolted awake. this happened like, 5 times before i gave into 6 hours of sleep.
Z must have come in and shut the tv off and put the computer down because when i turned it on, it was still on the same page i was reading last night.
bad habits.. so hard to break. groggy fog = no workout for me. :(
but, for some giggles, take a look at this and have some fun. interesting, the kind of nonsense you can find when you're bored.

*special request: how do you get a baby to sleep at least 4 hour stretches through the night?

'tis the season

2005-12-01T10:00:00.000-05:00

beginning of the month. time for another list. last month's list went sour. espcially the part about feng shui'ing my bedroom (tina).
december is very busy. i'm not going to get sucked up into the hoopla of shopping till i drop (well maybe i will online). i'm gonna keep things real simple.
i'm shopping at Cost Cutters for some decorations and i'm gonna make my place real comfy and cozy. i'm going to work out 3 days a week.. no matter what.
i'm not going to feng shui my bedroom, that is an impossibility that i've come to terms with.
finally, i'm going to organize one section of my house each day. i think 31 days is more than enough to work with. December. i don't like this month very much but i'm willing to deal with it.
does anyone else think the Tyra Banks show sucks?

shopping in another land

2005-11-29T14:35:00.000-05:00

Did I spell menage a trois right? (I know some of you dear readers are French or speak French).

When I visited Montenegro last year, I was mesmerized. The land is full of mountains. Everywhere you look, you see mountains. farms. grass. trees (kiwi & pomegranate, among others). Then you see lights, sporadically, in the little cities spread throughout the country. I haven't seen Montenegro in it's entirety, but what I have seen so far, has been magical.

What I love about other countries is the shopping! I'm not talking about clothes, I'm talking about grocery shopping. OK, boring, I know, but it's amazing walking through a grocery store in a different country. I love walking in, taking in the different smells, sifting through the shelves, reading labels. Oooh, this comes from Greece? Oooh, this from Spain? Now, let's not limit ourselves to just food, let's take a look at the broad spectrum of the grocery store. There is produce, meat/deli, condiments, toiletries, cleaning supplies, baby products, magazines, candies, cookies, etc...

I love many brands of toiletries I found in Montenegro. Brands made in Italy, not to be found here in the US. Then, much to my surprise, I walk into a little Italian coffee shop and find THAT brand of shower gel and hand soap. I found the brand of fruit juice I fell in love with in a European grocery store. I found a laundry softener in the dollar store that sells for triple the price over there, made in Turkey. Peach scented fabric softener ! Who would have thought?

Driving to a big flea market one day while there, we passed a vineyard that went on for a good two miles long (who knows how deep inland). It was amazing. I've only visited a vineyard once, and that was in Pennsylvania of all places. Z and I have plans to visit Napa Valley one day.... one day...

There were things I missed while there, like Dorito's, Folger's coffee, and scented candles. It fascinates me how people live in other countries... how they eat, how they talk, how they interact. Here in big, bad America, we think we have it all, know it all, and to some extent, maybe we do. But there is a big, bad world out there, full of people who lead fantastic lives, no matter what their circumstance is. Places where you can pick a pomegranate right off of a tree and bathe in a much more luxurious bath gel than you can here in America.

Menage a trois

2005-11-29T01:09:00.000-05:00

I don't know if there's anything better than getting a 3 way call. Today, both Tina & Stevan called me on 3 way to bullshit about life.
I swear it was the highlight of my day.
I was mommy of the day today at Angie's school. On her special day, she needed to bring something for show and tell, I had to bring juice. So I brought in those juice boxes with the straws attached. The kids say a prayer, then we all sit together and drink juice.
Much to my surprise, a little boy points his straw at me and declares out loud "I'm shooting your boobies, I'm shooting your boobies." ~WHAT?????
Yes, it was a fun day, capped off with a Malibu/pineapple juice cocktail.... boobies all shot, caught up with the siblings, and now telling you all how much better I feel.
PMS went away. I bid her farewell until next month.

I need a fix.....

2005-11-27T01:45:00.000-05:00

Take a look at the most addictive drug on earth.

*The massage was beautiful - I feel so much more relaxed. Now, if I can only work on my Dorito addiction.....

80 bucks well spent

2005-11-26T12:58:00.000-05:00

A few days ago, Z threw a couple of bucks my way to pay the bills and keep hold of the extra for myself. I said to him that my body was in dire need of a massage and he said "go for it".
I forgot all about the massage because of the holidays - but today, I'm feeling achey.
I've skimmed over the topic of my PMS before, but never as deep as I'm about to now.
I have PMS. Yes, I do... a proud member of the PMS club.
This all started about 4 years ago, after I gave birth to Angie. My PMS symptoms are getting worse with time. 2 weeks into my cycle, I start getting numbness and tingling in my hands and feet. This will last approximately 3-5 days, then it will magically disappear. My lower back aches like a bitch for a few days. My muscles - all of them - hurt, like I took a kickboxing class for the first time in months.. or maybe I was the punching bag? Regardless, they hurt.
Then the emotional side of it is just as horrible.
I'm Distant
I Hate You
I Love You
I'm Super Happy
I Cry
I Laugh
I'm Shy
I'm Not So Shy
I Play With Your Mind
I Play With My Mind
Then, I'm normal again. All this in a matter of 5 days per month, 12 fucking times per year.
This morning, I got down and grungey and cleaned the shit out of my kitchen floor, stove, fridge, countertops and cabinets. Then I called the spa and made an appointment for a massage a 3:30.
In 2 hours, I will be in a blissful world of soft music, aromatherapy, and a mean set of hands rubbing away the pain only a female can endure.

Black Friday

2005-11-25T09:21:00.000-05:00

*Mother nature left us with a sprinkling of Thanksgiving faerie dust.

Spare me the 5 am shopping - who in their right mind would venture out to a mall today of all days?
I got some flyers in the mail - JC Penny opens at 5 am for early bird specials.. WTF??? Give me a credit card, I'm shopping online this year.
My house is situated so I'm in the center of a shopping mecca. I have a huge mall just to the south of me. The town in which I live has little mini malls sprinkled throughout. To the east of me is another gigantic mall with an Ikea across the street. To the west of me, yet another mall that is less frequented by us cool people - it doesn't have any good stores. Then we have a couple of towns near me that have really cool and quaint downtown areas, reminiscent of a European downtown.
I think this year, I'll go to these little areas with my girl and do some walking and window shopping.
Thanks to the adorable bluebird and her lovely baby shower, I've found a new little nook in Denville that rivals downtown Montclair or Ridgewood.

This year, I'm shopping for unique themed gifts. My family is crazy - crazy enough to appreciate this kind of thing.

Happy Shopping!!!!

Reasons to be Thankful

2005-11-24T10:37:00.000-05:00

Borrowed this idea from my friend Amanda, who's living in far away England, and missing her native USA during the holiday season.

~I'm thankful for my health and for the health of my family and friends
~I'm thankful for having a very loving husband and a beautiful daughter
~I'm thankful for the success of my Z man's business - which allows me to stay home with my daughter
~I'm thankful that both my parents and Z's parents are alive and well - and were able to watch us grow together, marry and produce a mini Z.
~I'm thankful for such wonderful siblings - and for my beautiful nieces (and just maybe for my new brother in law) ;-)
~I'm thankful for the bright sky, red leaves, and snow dusting I woke to this morning
~I'm thankful that I'm seeing positive changes in myself and greatful to many people for helping me - help me
~I'm thankful to God - for creating this beautiful world, for all of the blessings he's bestowed on me, and for watching over all of us
~Most of all I want to send my love to those who are less fortunate - who are not sharing the day with their families, who can't eat a good meal today, who may not even have a roof over their head. Keep them in your prayers.

Enter Allison

2005-11-23T23:03:00.000-05:00

Not only is she funny, sarcastic, pretty, delightful and one heck of a writer - she's also my internet friend, and one hell of a creative cook. Say hi to Ms. Allie D. One of my favorite blogs by far... welcome back to the writing world !

keep moving on.

2005-11-22T16:19:00.000-05:00

Today has been much better than days of late. I did have a few things brought to my attention by my Mr. Z man that were complete truths... He did bring a few big points to light for me, and maybe that was why I spent the day crying and in complete sadness. I wasn't sad because he called me out on a certain thing I do that's not very nice - it's the fact that I saw the truth for the first time very clearly. Add that to the fact that he said this in front of other people... that just wasn't nice of him.

But, lady friends, rest assured - the Z man has apologized for this slip up of his. He is very sorry for making a private conversation public, and for that I forgive him. And I thank him, for bringing some things to light.

It's amazing the support I've recieved from you dear friends and readers. Dusanka - thank you so much for email. I haven't had time to sit and read it, but I will this evening. Kassi, thank you for the verse from Matthew. I'm going to read over that chapter tonight.

It's amazing when you think about it, how many of you I feel a close friendship with - and I haven't even met you!

Wishing you all a great Holiday!

cry me a river

2005-11-20T18:26:00.000-05:00

Today I cried and cried and cried until I had no more tears left in me.
It's really hard to have a house full of people and hide yourself in a bathroom to cry.
Then you must quietly blow your nose and splash your face with water a zillion times until your nose turns from red to normal looking again.
I cried because I've realized that I'm a selfish person. I cried because my selfishness was brought to my attention by another person. I cried because this was done so non challantly in front of others.
I cried a whole lot.... all the while, in the back of my head I know I'm p.m.s.'ing.
But, I tell you, I cried the most because the one person who can read me like a book and call me out on my shit will never, ever look inside and realize that we all have faults - some big, some small. This person has yet to look inside and question his own insecurities, faults, and selfishness. Stop trying to fix me - I know I'm a work in progress and I strive each day to be a better person. I try my hardest to work on myself and the things I do. Worry about your own idiocracies. There are many, too many... I'm just not strong enough to tell you.

10:00 pm and my night has just started

2005-11-17T21:45:00.000-05:00

Ok, a picture from last winter's vacation, but hey, so what? We still look kinda the same, except Angie has grown a bit and Z's head has shrunk a bit.
This picture had to be shared with you readers because - A) Z has fallen off of my shit list and back into my good graces - B) Angie fell alseep all on her own tonight. No bedtime story, no reading, just fell asleep. So, we're a happy family once again. She and I had a great time playing kick-ball outside today. Poor little bugger is still sick. Hacking cough. Angels, come down and take that crap away from her.

Another little tid-bit for you guys. My friend Ali has posted one of the funniest and most revealing blogs I have ever come across. Read it. It's mind boggling how many hits it gets per day.

Send me your positive vibes, I need them.

2005-11-17T13:52:00.000-05:00

I feel like I'm losing my mind. Somewhere beetween yesterday and today I've gone totally bananas. I've got a ton of baggage and piles of paperwork to get to with no energy to start. I've got a house to clean for upcoming parties and no inspiration.
Is the vibe in my house losing it's positivity? Perhaps. I've got two great in-law's living with me who are very negative thinkers. That don't mesh well with me, yo.
I miss Tina, who knows I'm blogging about her today. She's so looking forward to it with a twist of limun.
Tina - Your sister misses you. But it won't be long until I see you again. Give me about 7 days to regain my control and sanity.
Onto other business, my hair which I've just had cut, colored, and higlighted for a whopping $190. is not cooperating with me the way it should be.
My nails are not polished. No, excuse me, they are polished and chipped.
Sorry, Tina darling, I just dissed you hardcore. Whoops.
Tina has found the magic how to keep her happy - that would be Sophia, Miss Cranky Pants, who needs lot's of gas drops and white noise to keep a smile on her face.
Let me not forget Stevan, an avid reader, who thinks I have no love for him. Steve.. stop by for a visit. I miss you too. Purple ~the color of love.
Screw both of you... I'm taking Miss Angie outside for a ride on her swings - and I'm staring at that pile of crap I have to do - and flipping it the bird.
Ciao, Ciao.

gloomy musing.

2005-11-16T10:52:00.000-05:00

immersed into fundriaising crap for Angie's school. sick little girl, stays home from school. running a few boring errands today. waiting impatiently for 9 pm to watch LOST.
it's gonna be one of those days, the ones that you can't wait to be over. but why? where can I find some joy in today? i always have my book?!
*Did you know we're part of Generation C ? It's Generation Content, the generation that googles everything, looking for info and content. So now I'm a Gen X'er, and Gen C'er. LOL.

Enter D

2005-11-14T10:50:00.000-05:00

D is my best friend. I have to call her D for the protection of her identity but, those of you who know her, will know who I'm talking about.
D has never read my blog. I'm about to email her the link.
D is a girl a met in my junior year english class. I was afraid of her because she was loud and extroverted and I thought she was the type that beat girls up. We met because she was friends with T and I was friends with T and we both started dating men that would change our lives forever at the same time.
D is complex in a weird but funny way. She was my maid of honor at my wedding. She panics if she can't fall asleep before 3 a.m.
She has the best job in the world, but hates it.
What I love most about D is that I can tell her anything without feeling judged, she'll always have some great advice for me, and my daughter really loves her. My Z man really loves her. She's a great girl = a funny girl = a pretty girl.
It's been a while since we hung out, but that's about to change because, D - the in law's are here now, so we can finally get together.
She loves Jimmy - not in a romantic way - in a 'he's a genius with my hair' way. She's sad Jimmy's moving to Ohio. What in the world will D do?
You'll hang out with me.

monday morning musing. or rant.

2005-11-14T10:03:00.000-05:00

I'd like to acknowledge to a certain person that, yes, I know I annoy you with my quirks, with my habits and they way I live.
BUT.. that gives you know reason to act like an asshole, which you're a master at!

Sugar cookies

2005-11-13T17:49:00.000-05:00

The bluebird bakes. She bakes cookies. They were so good.
The bluebird is expecting a little girl in January. I'm so happy for her.
It was good seeing you A. You look great!

Yeah right

2005-11-12T00:09:00.000-05:00

The list below. Tina was laughing so hard. She swears she'll call me out if I don't accomplish my 10 things this month.
You're on bitch.
LOL
Beki xo

10 things

2005-11-11T10:54:00.000-05:00

A Friday special, 10 things I want to do this month:

*Finish reading my book, The Alienest
*Take Angie to the Central Park Zoo
*Stick to working out 3 x's a week
*See an acupuncturist
*Work on perfecting risotto with my sister
*Cut back on smoking - eventually quitting
*Read more poetry & Psalms
*Keep my room clean - and try to Feng Shui it
*Get a pedicure
*Breeze through the holidays with no worries

*Happy Veteran's Day!*

too young...

2005-11-09T14:41:00.000-05:00

Is it a sad thing that at 31, I enjoy reading teen Vogue? I love this magazine. I'm sad to see they've increased their price from $1.99 to $2.50, but I love reading about the newest trends in teen fashion.
Maybe it's because I still feel like I'm 18? I could never dress like an 18 year old - not with this body, and not at my age. I don't know. Z and I talk about this all the time. Why the hell does the number matter? I don't know what 31 is supposed to feel like. I feel good, I don't have aches and pains, my fine lines are fine - and get finer with each de-crinkling cream application. I think I look good for my age and have potential to look even better with some steady work-outs.
Inside. Inside is what counts. Inside, I'm still that girl, in love with her Z man, dreaming of bigger things. Looking toward the future but at the same time, feeling good in this moment. Feeling like I can conquer anything that comes my way, or, for Tina's sake, convinced I can hold back a glacier.
Teen Vogue. Pick up a copy for inspiration. For fun. To pass the time.
Better than Tiger Beat.

my girl blogs.

2005-11-08T12:29:00.000-05:00

I know it might be all industry created but.... she rocks... and she blogs.

a beautiful walk

2005-11-07T16:39:00.000-05:00

My little guy.

He & I share a birthday

My angel.

A walk through an old graveyard.

Morning musing

2005-11-07T10:46:00.000-05:00

Nevermind the 3 to-do lists I have sitting in front of me, and the 60 minutes I have remaining before I take Angie to school. I'm sitting here typing instead of showering. I promise myself that today I will enjoy every moment - and whip out my camera to capture my contentedness.
It's all that I have to keep me sane right now.

Zero Points

2005-11-05T20:25:00.000-05:00

There is no winning with a 4 year old. I can't kiss Z. That's off limits. I can't throw farther than her. I can't do karate better than her. I can't punch as hard as her. I can't make my bed as good as she can.
Finally, I'll never be prettier than her (but she claims I'm the most beautifulest mom in the world.)

It's hard finding a good book

2005-11-04T10:15:00.000-05:00

I've been looking for a good book to read. Finding a good book is hard. I love old books. Give me a book written in the '60's or '70's and I'm happy. Erica Jong is my favorite author of this time period. So what if she's known as a trashy writer? I love her honesty, vulnerability, and her all out craziness. I also love her poetry. Then I stumbled upon a book by Mary Ellin Barrett, the daughter of Irving Berlin. So began the hunt for all of her books. I know I've got a good book when I can find it used for 2 cents on Amazon.
I hit up a few flea markets and garage sales this past weekend in the hopes of finding a little treasure in the form of a $.50 book. I bought 4. One, The Alienest, by Caleb Carr, is based on fictional events that happened long ago. Seems like a good read - and spent many weeks on the best sellers list back in the '90's. I also bought Moby Dick. Can you believe I never read it? I'm looking forward to that.
I haven't found a book in a while that has moved me or inspired me in any way. I'm hoping the brain will be tweaked a bit with these new books.
In other news, how happy am I to find out that Audrey Tautou is playing Sophie in the screen adaptation of The Da Vinci Code????? I love Ms. Tautou. It's only because of Amelie that I fell in love with gnomes. Have a nice day!

Am I missing out on something?

2005-11-03T11:54:00.000-05:00

It's so pretty outside today. I have a problem with waking up early, getting up and out of the house, breathing in the fresh air.. it's like my house is a trap that won't let me out.
I've made some short term goals for November. One was to go to the gym regularly, which I'm happy to say, I've started. The next is to wake up earlier. I've been going to bed too late for the past few months and waking up has been a drag. The others are reading - and brushing up on my writing skills.
I've been looking forward to autumn for so long, and here we are, smack in the middle of the season, and I've yet to enjoy one day of walking, breathing, and taking in all that nature has to offer this time of the year.
Organization plays a big part in my "stuck" mode. I do most of my house work in the morning and spend a large chunck of my time inside.. cleaning, drinking coffee, checking email, blogging, watching morning t.v., etc. Break the habit! How to?
I'm off to shower, clear up some house mess, and take a walk with Angie. It's a shame to waste such a beautiful day in the house. *Picture taken en route to Angie's school.

So many years

2005-11-02T10:32:00.000-05:00

This is mine. This is what I have for sure. My baby and my Z man.

Today is our anniversary. Burst open the champagne, feed me strawberries.. but nothing could come close to how much I love this man.

Enter Stevan

2005-11-01T12:28:00.000-05:00

It's about time you met him, he's adorable. When my mom brought Steve home from the hospital, I was 7 years old. I loved him from the moment I saw him, my little brother.
I was allowed to help mom with everything from feeding, changing diapers, pushing him in his stroller around the block (I couldn't even imagine that now!) - Steve was my heart. Still is.
Sister's have a bond that is ... I can't think of a word - it's like we're connected. She knows me inside out, and vice versa.
Having a little brother is different. He's the baby of the family. He's the one who came visiting on a Friday night, in his teenage years, looking to grab a $20 from me to go out and have some fun. We came to find out later that he visited mom, dad, and Tina all in the same night for the same reason.
He's a cool Kat. He's a sensitive, caring, funny as hell type of guy. What we have, we call it sacred. No one can touch it. No one comes close. We love to eat together, watch movies, b.s. about life, music, our family and the craziness that comes along with us...
What I love most is when he stops by on a Sunday afternoon and nurses his hangover on my couch. He's a musician and usually has a 'gig' (hate that word, eww) every Saturday night. So, he'll stop by, raid my fridge, and sleep for an hour or two on my couch. Then he leaves.
He always walks in with a smile - and now, drops me a $20 before he goes. Steve is da bomb.

pics

2005-10-31T22:38:00.000-05:00

Maybe this will work?

pic blog

Halloween musing

2005-10-31T22:25:00.000-05:00

Here I am, back from the festivities, still trying to figure this picture thingy out. I'll get it sorted I promise.
So, what's new with me? Well, I did manage to squeeze in a short visit with my sister and the lovely Sophia. I missed my sister. We're inseparable, attached at the hip, crazy for each other kind of sisters. I think I missed her more these past few weeks than I missed my husband when he went to visit his parents over the summer. She's doing well, adjusting to mommy-hood again and getting skinny (bitch!).
Angie had a teeny Halloween parade with song and dance included. It was cute. She was more worried about her witch hat flying off so she didn't get into the dancing too much, but, she sang her heart out. Then we went trick or treating from house to house with her school mate, Vincent (who loves her).
I'm adjusting to having the in-laws living with us. It's hard. I love them dearly, but put two stubborn women in one kitchen and tension arises. I do things this way, she does them that way. At her house, I did things that way... so now she must do them this way - or no way. LOL.
She's a saint, my mother in law, but at the same time a thorn in my side.
Z is loving life right now. He's been good to me. We're waiting a just a bit more for Angie to get used to the grandparents so we can go out for dinner. There's a great hibachi steak house near me I've been dying to go to thanks to Steve. Steve is new. You don't know him. I'll post all about him tomorrow.
I'm going to attempt some picture viewing for y'all. Good night for now and Happy Halloween.

The day after

2005-10-28T10:30:00.000-04:00

I always celebrate my birthday in grand fashion. Cake and coffee with family and friends, then Z and I will go out for dinner another night. This may not seem so grand to most, but for me, a mom who doesn't have a regular baby sitter, it's truly a celebration. I'm on the prowl for a good restaurant.
In the meantime, I'm trying to figure out ways to upload my pics. Give me a few hours.

10-27-1974

2005-10-27T00:55:00.000-04:00

Say Happy Birthday! I'm 31 today.

Leaves and the rest of the seasons

2005-10-23T10:34:00.000-04:00

I think, each season, I have something that bothers me. In the Spring, the world starts looking beautiful again. Flowers start blossoming, trees turn green, there is a clean, calm scent in the air. Along with spring comes bugs. all. kind. of. bugs. Yuck. Bees, mosquitoes, beetles, crickets..
I live in the woods. I get the bugs. I get jumping spider crickets in my garage and little beetles stuck in my window. I don't like bugs.

Summer brings a wave of humidity that leaves you breathless, literally. The air is stagnant and it's hard to breathe. There is no joy for the people of NJ during July and August. Gardening is a chore. You have a greater chance of passing out from the heat before you finish weeding your garden patches.

Autumn... Leaves... need I say more? I do. I just told you all a few days ago how I groomed and cleaned my front yard (nobody sees the back anyway!). Today, after 2 days of rain, the ground is wet, the leaves are everywhere. I know that we'll be making a few trips to the shed house this season for our rakes and bags. We'll break a sweat and clean the yard. I have no problem with that. I kind of like it, but, it's repetitive and boring.

The only bad thing I can say about winter is shoveling snow. If I bother Z long enough I know he'll buy a snow blower cleaning thing so we won't need to shovel anymore. Wow, the sun just came out and is shining on my computer as I type that... maybe it's a sign!! :)
I love winter. It's the prettiest season for me. White snow, dark skies. I love it.

for today

2005-10-22T12:49:00.000-04:00

be kind to those who are unkind to you
forgive those who do you wrong
don't go to bed angry
every day is a new day - start again.

morning musing

2005-10-21T10:09:00.000-04:00

I had the weirdest thing happen to me last night. You know when your sick with a cold, and you can't breathe through nose - you wake up with cardboard mouth because you've breathed through your mouth all night? That happened to me last night. I'm not sick. No runny nose, no cough, no fever.. nothing. I also had some weird dreams. I don't think Tylenol PM & I mesh very well. I'm enjoying my coffee, but, it's not really helping the mouth situation.

20 things

2005-10-21T01:06:00.000-04:00

I'm borrowing this idea from the lovely Momster living in Paris.

i watch oprah almost every day and have been desperately trying to get tickets for the show
i like to gamble and play the lottery - it's not beyond me to play bingo once in a blue moon
i really want laser hair removal done on my face because waxing sucks
i eat when i'm nervous
i don't like swimming in the ocean because i'm scared of sharks & crabs
i take fake bake tans in tanning machines
i am a certifiable make up/ skin care/ perfume junkie
my daughter sneaks into my bed every night and wakes me up really early for her milk
yes, she still takes a bottle. i know. bad. bad. bad.
i self diagnose every ache and pain in my body to the point where i scare myself
i haven't read a good book in 4 months
i loathe any type of cleaning but love a clean house
there are days when i could stay in my pj's all day and watch tv
i've read every Erica Jong novel written including her poetry
i have a 'thing' for Ben Affleck - ooh at the risk of grossing the bluebird out!
i have many regrets
i feel happy more than i feels sad
i'm really tired right now
i'm looking forward to my coffee tomorrow morning
i will never take on another roll -like fundraising- in my daughter's school - ever again

*Please note that when I say laser hair removal - it is specifically designated to my upper lip. Now, since I can 'tag' people, how about - my friends Kassi, Ali, and Bella, Belly ???

A day in the life.....

2005-10-20T23:36:00.000-04:00

Wake up, look out the window. A lawn full of leaves. Ahh, how refreshing. Bundle up the little girl and head out to the shed for our rakes. The air is crisp - the smell of autumn in the air. We rake the leaves into piles. Z comes home. He lifts the piles into the wheel barrow and carries them off into the woods. Our yard is nice and groomed.
My new skin care came in the mail. I can't wait to shower and scrub my face - then creme myself up with all my new potions.
Call Ralph. You can always depend on Ralph.
Ralph comes over to prune and trim the hedges and bushes. Ralph is the master gardener. Ralph has old crickety knees, and two big green thumbs. (In the gardening sense).
We have coffee, he goes home to princess.
A trip to Pier 1 and the curtain factory prove fruitless in our efforts to pretty up our basement.
I get frustrated, Z senses it. It's not him, it's us and our silly unorganization.
Angie showers with her Hello Kitty shampoo and smells like an angel.
She's sleeping. Z's playing his poker game and I'm blogging while watching my LOST season one dvd's. I'm smelling pretty from head to toe after using all my SSC lotions and potions. Just one Tylenol PM and I'll be off to dreamland. Happy birthday to Ralph. He's 65 on the 21st. An official senior citizen. This day came and went so fast - I wonder how he feels after 65 years.

My little darlin'

2005-10-19T10:22:00.000-04:00

I have to take a moment and recognize how wonderful my daughter is. She is such a good natured, sweet, delightful child.. sometimes - in the midst of the craziness life throws me - I forget.
Things didn't start off that way. No, my baby was fidgety, colicky, and needy. That was fine, I lived through it and kept my sanity intact. The two's and the three's were a breeze for us because Angie, by then, had developed such a sweet little personality. I guess it was easy for us because we only had one child and could focus soley on her.
Now, she's 4 & 1/2 (can't forget the "half") and, in many ways acts like an adult. I know she's modeling my behavior because she does alot of the same things I do. She loves her coffee (she only gets sips of mine - or drinks the rest of it when I'm not looking), she calls her aunt Tina on the phone all the time, just to "talk" (Tina has informed me that she has had somewhere near 12 voice messages in a day from Angie), she loves getting dressed up, looking pretty and wearing tinted chapstick.

While Z and I are going nuts trying to get this house pretty after the flood and before his parents come, our baby sat pretty all day watching movies, playing her computer, playing with her bunny, and calling her Titi. She never once asked for us to play with her, looked for attention or whined about anything.

So, today, she gets my attention. I'm gonna take that girl out to Chucky Cheese today for some fun and some ice creme afterward. We'll cap our night off with a shower, some pumpkin spice body creme and watching our favorite show, Lost.

Meet the Parents

2005-10-18T13:59:00.000-04:00

The in-laws are officially coming to stay for a while. I'm seriously bursting with excitement because they'll be here next week. I've got a crew of guys cleaning up outside's post flood mess, my carpet cleaner is coming... I'm on a roll getting this house back in comfy, cozy mode.
I know many women that can't stand their mother in law's. I love mine. First of all, she is a good person, good soul, good heart. Second, she cooks, cleans and does laundry. Thrid, she's always willing to help me with whatever I need done. Last, she's a great drinking partner.

Ahhh, I can't wait.

Tuesday's Pictures

2005-10-18T13:55:00.000-04:00

Z holding Sophia

My sugar plum

Monday Musing

2005-10-17T10:46:00.000-04:00

Rocky Balboa is back. How much $$ are these hollywood types trying to squeeze out of their past successes??

Bono accused of cheating on his wife? Hope that's not true.

Another Monday, another school day. I get 2 hours to myself today and I'm getting a pedicure. It's so bright and sunny outside today - I think I'll go out for a cup of coffee too! I really love Mondays.

More song lyrics I love:

2005-10-16T19:35:00.000-04:00

Now you're here and beggin for a chance, but there's no way in hell I'd take you back.
Their innocence tastes like candy, yeah. Get so fat on it, it's a tragedy, yeah.
Well it smells of cheap wine & cigarettes, this place is always such a mess, sometimes I think I'd like to watch it burn.
Cuz I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up -I gotta fold cuz these hands are to shaky to hold.
Which came of some surprise, I spoke into his eyes. I thought you died alone, a long long time ago.
I have run you down into the ground, spread disease about you over town.
Talk to me softly, there's something in your eyes. Don't hang your head in sorrow, and please don't cry.
Even the rain is sharp like today as you shock me sane. (Tiki)
Baker, baker, can you explain - if truly his heart was made of icing?

The Source

2005-10-15T09:22:00.000-04:00

Here you will find a picture of the Pompton River, the source of all of our flooding. Heavy rain for seven days is not a good thing when you live in a low lying area.
Why not move, you ask? Because I love my house, my property, my neighborhood, my little corner of the world.
Z is hell bent on water proofing this house. The water doesn't always come into the house, it just surrounds the house. We don't have a basement, we have a mother/daughter - which means we have a ground level apartment and our main living area is upstairs. The garage is attached. That is the first area that starts flooding. That's where Z is gonna take the next year (ha!) to make me some shelves and install them starting at 4 feet high.
I can't wait to see the rest of the world again. I've been holed up in this house for 3 days.
*Please disregard my small complaints... I know there are worse problems going on in the world.

Ode to my blue bird

2005-10-13T15:45:00.000-04:00

My friend - the blue bird - is having a baby. She is one of the sweetest girls around. She's the friend that I can call, anytime, with any problem, and she's there for me. She's the girl, that if we haven't spoken for months, because life gets in the way, we start to gab on and on as if time hasn't passed.

I think in life it's great to have a friend like the blue bird. A friend who you can share anything with and not feel judged, a friend that always finds the humor in bad situations, a friend who would do anything she could to lend a hand and help you out. Most of all, a friend who will just be there to listen - when you don't want advice - you just want to vent.

I talked to my blue bird today. She (and her bundle) are feeling well. Every time I talk to her I feel really secure in the fact that I have a true friend for life. Love to my blue bird who hopefully will start reading.

What?

2005-10-13T00:34:00.000-04:00

I met this guy who works at a disco - dance music station in NYC - he says Ricky Martin is gay and has been living with a man for 3 years now.
Also he's had work on his face to clear up his acne scars.
I'm so sad. He's hot. Too hot. Hot enough that I never believed the gay rumors.

Oh, and we love Shakira.. that bitch rocks.

2005-10-12T16:07:00.000-04:00

There are a couple of mundane things that make me happy. Aside from the life God has provided me, a great husband and a wonderful & healthy child - there are little things that make me feel like skipping around the house and singing my favorite J.Lo song at the top of my lungs.

Bills paid on time at the beginning of the month
Getting my copy of Vanity Fair in the mail before it hits news stands
The Oprah Winfrey show
Coffee
Candles
Trying out a new recipe and loving the results
MAC lip gloss
A head ache that goes away
Wednesday nights

So, right now, I'm watching Oprah and it's about poverty in America. It is really gut-wrenchingly horrific how many people in this country live in poverty and inhumane conditions.

I'm glad to see that this season, Oprah is bringing to light a lot of b.s. that's been going on in this country - helping catch child molesters, exposing poverty, hunger and abuse in this country - and others, and reaching out to the victims of hurricane Katrina. 37 MILLION people are living in poverty in America. That is the population of Canada.

I'm a lucky girl to have the things I have and love the things I love. There must be something I can do to put a tiny, small little dent in the atrocities going on in our own country.

rain, rain - go AWAY!!!!

2005-10-12T11:11:00.000-04:00

Yesterday and the day before, I spent the day in newborn land, helping my sister get things in order at her house with her newborn, Sofia. What a little angel that baby is. She sleeps all day long. When she fusses, it's only to eat, burp, or get a diaper change. Other than that, she sits there and stares out into space, taking in her surroundings.. she's just a perfect baby.

The two dogs, Diesel & Daisy, whom I've grown to love (and I'm not a pet lover) are really doing great at adjusting to not being the center of attention anymore. They're very protective of the baby - Daisy lays down in front of her bassinet. They're also getting used to not being allowed in the living room anymore :(

Angie has informed me she wants a baby. NO. She wants me to have a baby. NOW. I do have the itch for a new baby - after being in the baby stores and holding Sofia, but, hey - ya can't just produce on demand, right?

It's pouring rain right now. We're bound to flood again. Not the house, but the street, which makes it impossible for me to get out into the world. I used to love the rain.

Back to work

2005-10-10T13:09:00.000-04:00

Ok, so I am finally in business. For real. I've fiddled with direct sales for a while. Mary Kay. Avon. Party-lite candles. Anything I could sell and make a living off of while staying home has been my dream. I am not a 9-5'er, I just can't be. It's not in me to be on that type of schedule. So now, I've started selling magnetic jewelry. I'm super-duper excited about the jewelry and the company because they're fairly new in the US and they don't have many distributors here. So I'm one of the first distributors on the East Coast. If you'd like, you can visit the web site here: www.energetix.tv and if you're interested in buying - email me. It's absolutely amazing the effects magnets have on your body. I got all my jewelry in today and I can't believe how beautiful it is. Yay!!!!

2005-10-09T23:23:00.000-04:00

This pic was just too funny not to post:

yesterday's rain...

2005-10-09T16:19:00.000-04:00

Left us with some major flooding. We are covered with flood insurance and there is no water inside the house, just surrounding it.

some orange sunshine on a rainy day

2005-10-08T15:18:00.000-04:00

Z, take me here, please!!

The bag

2005-10-08T03:31:00.000-04:00

all about my closet

2005-10-08T03:05:00.000-04:00

Copied from Pink Dot - Looked like fun:

THREE RANDOM FACTS ABOUT MY CLOSET
1. It's emptied out and half painted. 2. I'm puting my computer desk in there.
3. I just bought a really cute moon/sun mirror to hang up in there.

THREE ITEMS I'VE NEVER WORN BUT STILL HAVEN'T TOSSED
1. A really cool red suit that I need to lose weight to fit into. 2. Those chinese slipper things you buy at the dollar store that are falling apart. 3. A shirt of my husband's from when we met that I adore.

THREE ITEMS I'LL NEVER GET RID OF, NO MATTER HOW UGLY THEY GET
1. My orange track pants. 2. My Emily Strange tee's. 3. My 2 Oprah tee shirts from her online boutique.

THRE ITEMS PEOPLE WOULDN'T EXPECT TO SEE IN MY CLOSET
1. Facial hair trimmer. 2. A $700 Louis Vuitton hand-bag. 3. The gift bag and felt wrap the bag came in :)

THREE ITEMS THAT MADE ME GO, "OH LORD, WHAT WAS I THINKING WHEN I BOUGHT THIS?"
1. The red suit that doesn't fit! 2. Weird looking Victorian boots from 9 West last season.
3. Martha Stewart closet organizer that doesn't organize shit.

THREE THINGS I HAVE A SURPRISING NUMBER OF
1. Black tee's 2. Designer hand-bags. 3. Jewelery.

THREE DOMINANT COLORS IN MY WARDROBE
1.Orange. 2. Black 3. White.

THREE THINGS THAT NEVER FAIL TO PUT ME IN A GOOD MOOD WHENEVER I WEAR THEM
1. My new black cardigan. 2. My orange track pants. 3. My thin cotton black tank from the Gap.